The early morning ramblings of a chronic worrier…it’s exhausting!
What exhausts me is when my “inner-me” starts comparing itself to your “outer-you”. Does that make sense? 🤣
Quarantine has been difficult. I miss human connection – eye contact, smiles and the vulnerability of speaking truthfully to someone face to face.
I was talking with a good friend recently, and we were discussing things like stress, worry, fear, anxiety – the human desire to have control over our lives. As a woman, being a “worrier” is practically written into my DNA. I am constantly trying to fix, manage and control the world around me. I get to a point where if I am not worrying about something, I feel like I am doing something wrong. There are times I truly believe that if I just do everything for everyone – all the worrying, the planning, the scheduling, the bill paying, the obsessing – then the people I love will be able to live their lives freely. They will be happy – with their lives and with me.
This is a vicious cycle, and so incredibly unhealthy. This cycle is nothing new for me, and it is the very reason I have friends that I check in with on a regular basis. Internally, all of this worry and stress makes so much sense to me. I mean, if I don’t do it, who will? Someone else would have to do it, and then they would feel inconvenienced, stressed, and irritable, and they won’t be as happy and free as they are used to being, and they certainly won’t be happy with me which will make me feel like a failure as a woman and mother…
*insert nervous breakdown here*
Like I said, vicious cycle…😔
I have this fear that if I relinquish control for even a second, my entire world will come crashing down all around me. I’ve felt that pain before, and it’s scary to think that everything I worked so hard to build could one day be taken from me. The only thing worse than that fear, is the fear that I will become so afraid to step outside of my carefully constructed box that I will miss the opportunity of a lifetime.
It usually isn’t until someone points it out to me, that I recognize that I also deserve to feel happy and free. I cannot expect to live in the present moment if I am always worried about the future – i.e. things outside of my control. I cannot find freedom if I refuse to let go of the things that are holding me back.
It’s hard for me to even say this, but here goes nothing! Maybe things are supposed to crumble from time to time. Maybe this is what allows us a moment of much needed humility and ignites a burning desire to build some far greater than anything we ever allowed ourselves to believe we deserved.
So I made a list of things I can and cannot control. I’m a big fan of lists these days. 😋
Things I CANNOT control:
1. The opinions of others
2. The decisions of others
3. The actions of others
4. The thoughts/feelings of others
5. How people treat each other
6. What people think about me
7. What people say about me
Things I CAN control:
1. My attitude
2. My actions
3. My words
4. How I treat people
5. How I treat myself
I deserve to take care of myself and find time to do the things that bring me joy. I deserve to let go of fear and anxiety about the future, even if it means I have to let go of this fear multiple times throughout the day.
I am slowly learning to let go – to turn that fear, and worry, and obsession over to a higher power. I am not giving up or losing hope, I’m simply learning to accept the things I cannot change and finding peace in that decision.