Busy Brain

It’s getting busy in my brain again.

I feel a storm coming on, but instead of hail it’s raining ping pong balls inside my head. This might sound ridiculous at first, but can you even imagine? My thoughts, my worries, they bounce around in there for days – ping…ping…ping – It’s a constant barrage of unanswerable questions and visions of a life that might never even materialize.

These thoughts can still be all consuming at times. As if my feet have suddenly left the ground, and I’ve found myself in another place entirely – another time – one that may, or may not, even exist.

Time has been passing too quickly, and yet, I still find myself wishing for it to be Friday every Monday morning. And if I’m wishing my week away, I am also wishing my life away. When I think of it this way, I am reminded that time is precious…

So I set reminders in my phone – Pause, Breath, Visualize, Gratitude, Acceptance.

This helps…

Still, my mind slowly fills up again over time. If these ping pong balls had labels, they would say things like -Worry, Anxiety, Stress, Fear, Loss, Acceptance, Anger, Control, Insecurity, Shame, Guilt and a few “what if’s” and “should haves” sprinkled throughout.

Yes, it’s getting busy in my head. I know what this means. It means I am attempting to fix, manage and control too many things in my life. I’ve forgotten how to trust the process. I’ve forgotten to take care of myself too.

Addiction set me back 10 years, this is a hard truth I’ve come to accept. But where addiction held me back, Recovery has catapulted me forward. I’ve spent many years paying back my debts to society – monetarily at first, and now all I can offer is my time. I spend so much time trying to be the lighthouse in someone else’s storm, that I don’t realize my own bulb is dimming. Many days, I need the light just as much as they do, sometimes even more.

Maybe it’s because I have an anniversary coming up, and anytime something good is about to happen to me I still have this sudden urge to self-sabotage. Self-destruction is a skill I mastered long ago, and it has since been collecting dust on a shelf in a basement somewhere as I’ve continued on my journey. For some reason, celebrating myself always seems to remind me that it’s there.

I need to keep working on myself. I need to keep working on myself until I no longer question whether or not I am worthy of a celebration.

I find that my friends, the ones with the checkered pasts and the broken halos, have been my greatest allies – my greatest assets. Human beings who listen and empathize are incredibly valuable to me. Their ability to be brutally honest and unapologetically authentic has taught me more about myself than trying to squeeze into a mold ever has.

I am grateful for them. I am grateful to be here.

The storm is passing. It will undoubtedly be back. Every time a storm like this arrives, I learn new ways to survive it – I guess that makes me valuable too. 💜

Xoxo,

~V~