Please Listen

This was a tough one to stumble upon…

I was recently looking back at some of my journal entries from the end of my active addiction. I would sometimes write during my moments of clarity. When I found this particular entry, it brought tears to my eyes.

The entry was written just 7 months shy of my actually recovery birth date (10/16/14), and just weeks before one of the biggest mistakes I ever made in active addiction – a mistake which led to my most severe consequence.

At the time I wrote this, I was broken and fearful. I lost all hope and was completely powerless. I didn’t believe I would ever change.

One of the things that has always been difficult for me is simply asking for help. I always feel like I can handle things on my own – that I should be able to do it all. I thought asking for help was a sign of weakness. I wish I had learned earlier how inaccurate that is. Asking for help is actually a sign of great strength.

Today, with the help of others just like me, I’ve found the peace in my life that I was searching for in addiction. I’ve found freedom.

—————

Journal entry – April 3rd, 2014

Please listen…

When I tell you that I am scared. When I tell you I don’t want to live this way anymore.

Please listen…

When I tell you I don’t know why I drank. Sometimes, I honestly have no explanation for you because I don’t understand it myself. It feels as if the devil has hijacked my brain.

Please listen…

When I agree that I need help, because I might change my mind tomorrow, or even an hour from now. Please help me in that moment. Every second that ticks by from the moment I speak the words, “please help me,” my addiction has already begun working to reel me back in. I cannot do this on my own.

Please listen…

When I tell you that I am afraid I will never have the strength to stop. When I tell you I never meant to hurt you – that I didn’t mean for things to end up this way. These words are true, even if everything else I say is a lie.

Please listen…

When my words are angry or hurtful…it’s not you I am angry with, it is myself. I am saying anything I can at this point to protect my addiction. I am not as hateful as I seem, I am sick. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt anyone. I never meant to hurt myself. I don’t remember when my disease took hold of my life, but it never fucking quits! I hate this. I hate myself. I wish my mind would just go…silent.

Please listen…

When I tell you I can’t stop. I truly believe this, even if you don’t. Addiction has re-prioritized everything in my brain and now I am convinced I need alcohol to survive. Without it, I feel like I am suffocating, panicking…I can’t breath.

Please listen…

When I tell you I am afraid to leave my house. I feel people watching me, looking down on me, having pity on me. Most days, I go to work and live in constant fear that I won’t make it home sober. My entire life seems to be lived in fear these days. The fear of living. The fear of dying. This fear is very real to me, even if you cannot feel it yourself.

Please listen…

Please hear the words I am saying. Please hear me! Let go of your desire to tell me what I should be doing, or what horrible things I have done in the past. I KNOW what I have done, trust me. I have not forgotten. Please let go of your desire to respond before I am finished speaking. It took courage for me to share these things with you today.

Even as I am sharing my fears with you in this moment, I feel the devil breathing down my neck. He is patient.

Please don’t give up on me…

Please don’t let me die like this…

Please listen…

————

Today, I am grateful for my recovery and the beautiful people who helped me find my worth. 💜

Xoxo,

~V~

4 thoughts on “Please Listen

Add yours

  1. Thank you for your wonderful share. Hope needs to replace the despair. I am overwhelmed with negative feelings and emotions when I relapse. Journalling is a powerful tool. It gives light and clarity to the character flaws and negative emotions. Take care V

    Liked by 1 person

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