I just came across an entry I wrote 2 years ago. Luckily, I’ve found that these days are fewer today, but I definitely still feel this way from time to time. I thought I would share for anyone who may need it today! Whether you are struggling with addiction, depression, finances, heartbreak, grief, loneliness, etc. – it gets better! It’s okay to not be okay 100% of the time! Just because you are struggling in this moment, does NOT mean you are failing. Hang on! ♥️
Journal entry – April 2017
Some days…my words aren’t very inspirational. In the beginning, I thought I had to be positive all the time for anyone to even hear me. I thought if I told people I was struggling, they would assume I was failing – that I would relapse. I’ve learned that is far from the truth.
The only reason I’ve gotten to where I am today is because people have shared their stories of struggle with me, and then told me how they made it through to the other side. They were honest and vulnerable. They inspired me. They were, and still are, my true healers.
When I started sharing my recovery journey, I promised to offer my honest, true, authentic self…so here we go…
Some days are just harder than others. Harder to wake up, get out of bed, put a smile on my face and act as if I have it all together. When you suffer from depression, it’s difficult to explain those feelings of overwhelming sadness to those who are not afflicted. Even now, it’s hard to find the right words.
I’m exhausted. Physically, mentally, spiritually.
It’s exhausting spending your day simply fighting the urge to detach from humanity – to want to be nowhere else but curled up in your bed at home. It’s painfully draining trying to stay focused; to just make it through the work day. Feeling completely and utterly alone in a room full of people.
It’s like this pit in my stomach, as if I am falling from the tallest building. Falling. Falling. Falling, but I never hit the ground.
Unexplainable fear. Complete loss of self – like my hands are not my hands, my legs are not my legs. Eyes transfixed on nothing, letting my gaze land anywhere I won’t need to make eye contact. Choking on stifled cries. Knowing it’s just temporary, but feels like it will never end.
I still sometimes feel empty. Just so completely hollow. I can’t always explain it. I have so much to be grateful for – so many amazing blessings in my life. And I truly am happy. Don’t ever doubt that (even when I do). It doesn’t even make sense to me that I feel this way at times, but when did any illness of the mind ever make sense?
It’s times like these I recognize the importance of human connection. You see, I can tell just about anyone that I feel empty inside, and they can say all the wrong things. “You have nothing to be depressed about.” “You should be happy!” “Smile!!!” “Why? What happened?”
Into the abyss I go…alone, and now somehow even more ashamed of my feelings…
And suddenly I have this irrational need to try and explain myself, and just like the person who spoke before me, my words come out wrong too.
“Nothing happened. I happened! My brain tends to do this to me from time to time. Nothing happened…nothing has to happen.”
But when I tell a person who has also struggled the way I have and do, there is no need to expand. No explanation required. There’s no demand for answers I do not have. They understand. They tell me, “I get it.” “I understand!” “I know it sucks right now, but you will get through it. You will be ok.”
I am grateful for my life and for all of the amazing people in it. I am so unbelievably grateful for my sobriety. I am so grateful that I no longer fear sharing with you that I am not always ok. Today, I know it’s okay to not always be okay. ❤